Shrimp and Grits

Over the Labor Day holiday. we happened to walk by Johnny Rocket’s in Myrtle Beach, where they serve …

… F-IN HAMBURGERS!

Having been in this restaurant before, I can tell you that the hamburgers they serve are f-in expensive, and that they don’t taste all that f-in good.

I have to appreciate the truth in advertising, though!

Bow down before the sugary goodness of the Octuple Stuffed Oreo of DOOM.

Coming, deep fried, to a fairground near you.

Nutrition facts
- Contains 1000% of the recommended daily allowance of sugary cream filling.
- Contains no other nutrients

Here’s the best headline I’ve read all day, from the Greenville News

Allegiant Air lands in Greenville
Airline fills void left by Independence Air

… well, I found it amusing.

My alma mater is in the news!

I’ve run across what promises to be the decade’s preferred way to get out of homework! All you have to do is hold a news conference to declare it immoral.

You heard me right. A news conference was held this Monday by several freshmen students (enabled by a political type who is probably trying to increase his “family values” appeal) to protest their summer reading assignment - Truth & Beauty, by Ann Patchett.

I’ve got to hand it to Clemson’s English department (or whoever suggested the book). If the goal was to stimulate discussion, they have done so in spades. Those of us in benign fields like chemistry can only dream of students getting press coverage to protest having to learn about Arrhenius’ depraved ionic theory of solutions..

I’ve also got to hand it to the students - who may have a bright future in South Carolina politics. Holding a news conference to complain about the immorality of a homework assignment would play well to quite a few voters down here.

I can’t wait until these same students take biology, where evolution will be discussed. Better yet, let’s see what happens if/when they take the psychology department’s human sexual behavior course - where “the film” is shown. I’ll be able to see the fireworks all the way across the state!

CNN’s offbeat news has this article about water leaking from a tree in San Antonio. Several causes for the water were listed (a well, a burst pipe, etc. Nobody’s sure what is causing the water to come out, because that would likely require either damaging the tree or digging big holes in the yard.

But what makes this article strange is at the very end.

[The owner of the tree] has started to wonder if the water has special properties.

Her insurance agent dabbed drops of the water on a spider bite and the welt went away, she said.

Now I’ve had a few bug bites iin my time (I’m from South Carolina, after all), and one thing I’ve noticed about most bug bites is that the welt goes away after a short time. This is, of course, without the application of mysterious water from leaking trees.

“I just want to know if it is a healing tree or blessed water,” she said. “That’s God’s water. Nobody knows but God.”

I was in Arby’s the other day, taking part in an unholy ritual involving the consumption of a large roast beef combo. I noticed this in my box of curly fries.

The Jesus fry

This curly fry digested extremely well in spite of its unusual shape and extreme greasiness. In fact, the whole meal associated with the curly fry digested well.

When you eat as much grease as there is in one of those large boxes of curly fries … and you don’t have indigestion afterwards … that must mean that divine intervention is at work!

I just want to know if that was a healing fry or it had been fried in blessed grease. That’s God’s grease. Nobody knows but God.

Here’s the most asinine thing I’ve ever seen.

No, it’s not the ACE curriculum - although I would certainly point out that the ACE curriculum ranks highly on my list of asinine things.

It’s …

… the KISS Coffeehouse, in Myrtle Beach.

You know the chicken’s going to be greasy when you see a sign like this:

We pump fried chicken!

It’s tax-free weekend in South Carolina! All y’all Libertarians here in South Carolina can run to the stores today and stick it to the man by buying items without paying any sales tax.

But remember, not all items are tax-free this weekend:

You can buy bobby pins, galoshes, bridal veils, and adult diapers tax-free.

You cannot buy soap, clocks, personal floatation devices, or sheet stretchers tax-free.

Everyone got that?

Slashdot links to this article in Advertising Age about Wal-Mart trying to cash in on the success of Myspace, the home of approximately 6.022×10²³ teen-to-twenties angst blogs.

Wal-Mart is launching a highly sanitized, controlled and rather unhip site at walmart.com/schoolyourway. Teens are invited to create their own page, “show it to the world and win some fab prizes,” including a chance to have their videos appear in a Wal-Mart TV commercial.

Isn’t that what any teen is just dying to do? Get into a Wal-Mart commercial?

The site is an attempt at closing the trend gap Wal-Mart now faces as Target wins more teen-apparel dollars.

Have people that do Wal-Mart’s advertising actually been in a Wal-Mart store? It probably isn’t lack of trendiness that keeps teens out of Wal-Mart. it’s that Wal-Mart stores are only slightly more filthy and poorly arranged than a flea market. (I will give them this - their stores are on average cleaner than the HTML markup on most myspace pages.)

“Over the last year, we have been getting increasingly bad feedback from teen girls about Wal-Mart in contrast to Target — especially Wal-Mart’s apparent lack of cleanliness, messy layout and lack of stylish attire. This attempt at ‘we media’ is terrific. We’ll have to wait and see if it’s enough to overcome in-store issues.”

My guess is “no, it won’t overcome in-store issues”. Whatever junk they put on the web won’t change the fact that the stores are hell to shop in.

But that Wal-Mart site ought to be good for some cheap laughs.

For example, to participate in Wal-Mart’s content, you have to agree to this:

I represent that my Entry is my original creation and hereby grant to Sponsor the copyright and all other rights now known or hereafter existing to use my Entry throughout the universe, in perpetuity, in whole or in part, in edited, unedited or distorted form, in connection with this Contest, for any trade, advertising, or promotional purpose whatsoever, without review, approval, notification or payment from or to any person or entity, in all media now known or hereafter discovered. I understand and agree that Sponsor shall be entitled to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, license, create derivative works from and distribute or incorporate Entries into any form, medium, or technology now known or later developed throughout the universe, for any purpose whatsoever.

(emphasis mine)

And you say Wal-Mart wants global domination. Pah! They will stop at nothing short of dominating the entire universe!

Oh darn! Where will I get the raw materials for making brass now?